Heading south

Thunderstorms in the morning, clear sun at noon, more storms in the afternoon, and a clear sky again tonight. When it rained, the thunder sounded as though the heavens were furious. When the sun appeared, I felt like an ice lolly on a hot pan, wanting to retreat to my “freezer.” Lately, my own life has felt just as changeable.

I once wrote about how I worry too much in almost every situation. That same drive can make me act more decisively than people around me. When something matters to me, I think carefully, but I can also tense up so much that I lose my composure. Zifang read that piece and sympathized, without knowing how long I have felt this way. I still do.

It is both a strength and a weakness. Learning how to handle that double-edged sword will take judgment. Even as I write, my head is full and I feel tired.

When Ensang and I ate together the night before last, I saw a sign in the restaurant: “Lower your expectations. Keep a level head.” My mother has told me something like that since I was little. Yet I keep forgetting to put it into practice.

Writing this has eased the frown I feel inside. The view outside the train window is lovely. I think I will stop and quietly watch the night pass by…