This day

I nearly forgot to write today’s diary. I have plans tonight and want to write early enough to sleep on time. To be honest, only the rabbit was good at last night’s barbecue. The rest of the meat was mediocre. I had already eaten dinner, yet the meal still left me feeling almost insulted. My conclusion: a “good-value” price is not a reason to eat at a small place you know nothing about. Poor service and poor use of money are no bargain.

My earlier dinner had been a 20-yuan set meal: a little pasta, one piece of tempura, a small ice cream, and a cup of instant Nescafé. Hot and cold together did not sit well with me, whichever order I ate them in. On the way home I bought enough chicken and rabbit for two more meals, a small bottle of alcohol, and instant noodles. At that point I stopped caring about whether I would gain weight. I needed to eat enough.

Lately I have been asking when I will finally get somewhere. What lies ahead? Is “take it one step at a time” just a comforting lie? I know which fields might pay more, yet I chose a stable one to try. Part of me resists it. Each morning I have to talk myself into going to work. Field sales means facing rejection and suspicion, and I never know what challenge a day will bring. Often the hardest part is in my own mind. I want to enjoy working, but instead I feel as though I am walking through fog. What are the minimum things I must learn and do to be good at this job? I do not know yet. I have tried operations and business development; for now, I only know how to keep doing the field work in front of me.

I want a clearer route to earning well. Living without a goal cannot last. Even when I know I should present our services confidently, I often sound unsure and let the customer take control of the conversation.

I want to talk this through with AI and find steps I can actually take. I cannot stay in this state.