A pain I cannot quite name

Today I completed the basic steps to leave my job. I do not know what comes next, and I feel uneasy about my plans. Now I have time to write, but that does not mean the hurt inside is gone. I cannot quite say what I feel. One thing I do know is that I need to keep as much agency as I can. When I lose it, I feel cornered and pushed around.

Looking back, I can only sigh. I did not realize I could feel so bad that words would fail me. I have things to say, but what comes out is nothing like what I mean inside. This is a dark little stretch of my life.

I want to thank the company’s HR colleague, a friend my own age, for caring about how I felt. He ate two meals with me and talked openly. He reminded me that not everyone at the company was distant.

I also want to thank Ensang. He had drinks and barbecue with me last night, when I felt especially helpless. I slept well afterward.

And I want to thank the colleague who worked alongside me. Things have been hard for her too, yet she treated me sincerely. She understood how sensitive I was, listened, and helped. She reminded me that there are people I can trust.

I do not know what else to say without sounding as though I am complaining for the sake of it. I will leave it here.