May 20

It is May 20, a day people sometimes celebrate as a kind of Valentine’s Day in China. This year I have felt little of that mood. Plenty of people joked about it online, but by evening I saw hardly any related posts from friends. Everyone seemed busy working. I was too; I cared more about Nvidia’s earnings report tonight.

Something upset me at work today, and I cried for a moment. I pulled myself together and carried on. Criticism affects me because I am worried about how slowly I am adapting and whether my manager will be disappointed. I sometimes feel like the person who makes the most mistakes in the whole company. The feedback has made me more careful, but also more afraid to act. There has been so much of it, and it hurts. I can keep going or give up.

Someone suggested imagining work as a game in which each week brings new levels. Another way is to see each day as a play: if I perform today’s part well, I have done my task. My part is someone pushing his limits and becoming more capable. That makes the story hard, but perhaps worth playing.

Tomorrow I want to write a thousand words to review my work and steady myself. Where am I falling short? Some things take time to learn, but I should know the things I have already studied. I need to prepare for what confuses me rather than wait to be told what to do. I have not yet published valuable writing as I intended, and I still complain too readily.

Today’s feedback also made me notice my face when I make a mistake: I look visibly distressed. My manager may react to that expression as well as to the error. Perhaps this is what I most need to address now. I should face it even if I do not succeed at once. I think my future self will thank me for trying seriously.