Growing as if I have something to prove

My day off was quiet, almost flat. Perhaps next week will be more interesting after five more days of working through challenges. I did not see the friends I met last weekend, which may be one reason this weekend feels ordinary. It has only just begun, though.

Could it be the weather? My sleep? Probably both, and other things too. But I keep remembering the fire I had in high school. I woke every day ready to work, determined to prove myself. Even five years later, I remember how much energy I had.

I had a belief then. I imagined succeeding, sent my wish into the world—I want to get into Shandong University!—and kept working. I thought everything else would follow. I had little to rely on beyond that drive, yet I rarely felt tired. Now I complain about overtime and get angry. Perhaps I have lost the strong, concrete goal that gave me that energy.

This afternoon I want to sort out my thinking. Where did the passion people once admired in me go? I count every coin at meals and in taxis, hesitate in what I say and do, and feel more withdrawn. Is that the person I want to be? No.

In three months I want to build better financial habits. In four months I want to replace the clothes I now wear. Within six months I want to change seven habits I dislike.

I want the days ahead to be clear and measurable, driven by that old determination to prove myself.