Today

I slept for a long time at lunch. I have not felt this worn out in a while. Perhaps it is the effort of settling into a new environment. Starting something is rarely easy, at least for me. Ensang once told me about a similar time when he often made mistakes and got scolded. He is doing much better now, in both body and mind. I hope I can get there sooner.

Tonight I found my energy again and kept working, late or not. Still, I had to worry about missing the last subway and upsetting tomorrow’s routine, so I need to speak up about the timing of my work. I am now often wide awake before ten at night and want to use that time to learn new concepts, find faster ways to work, and improve weak spots. Every day I discover things I did clumsily. I get criticized, think about it, change, and grow. It hurts, but it is part of learning.

I am on the last subway now. The train still makes its strong daytime noise, while the people on it have run out of energy. Rest matters, and so does feeding the mind. Having both would be wonderful.

I have been puzzled by a new colleague’s low energy. After two days working with her, I can see it in her expression. I have not said so. She seems impatient when I help her and does not seem to value either her own time or mine. I know I can be hesitant and timid myself, but I do not think spending much more time together will help me.

As I think about tomorrow’s work on the train, I begin to feel happy: there is so much room to improve. I also keep remembering lessons from former managers. They tried hard to teach me, but I did not understand then. I understand more now and wish I had listened earlier. I used to stop at Walmart or pass it on my way home; these days it is closed by the time I arrive. That small change makes life feel different.