The first day of the Qingming break

When a weekend comes, I think first about what to do or learn the next day. I rarely ask how to play or rest. Over time I have blurred the boundary between workdays and days off, and relaxation now makes me awkward. I am drifting toward a version of myself I once disliked: someone who does not know how to live outside work.

Ensang and I went out today. We expected it to be more fun than staying home, but could not agree on what to do: an escape room, a film, coffee? We wandered from mall to mall and finished bored. At home I collapsed onto the bed. When Ensang called me to eat, I hardly wanted to move or speak. My physical energy puts a hard limit on what I can do, and I feel that as one of my biggest problems.

At university, while losing weight, I used to summon what I called the “senior-year spirit.” I could keep going all day toward a clear goal. Before university I had asked an older student why classes started as late as 8:20. He told me I would understand once I arrived. He was largely right: few people ate breakfast before eight. Yet I was the one in my dorm who got up at six to exercise, and I later learned that was unusual in my class too. A specific goal made the difference for me.

I still bring that focus to the office. Even when colleagues have little to do, I find things to work on. Yet I can feel my inner energy and confidence ebbing. I have become more hesitant. I want to warn myself to prepare for setbacks while keeping a young person’s drive and an older person’s care. It is time to set a clear goal again.