At the end of March

I woke at 3:30 this morning and again at seven. Each time I wanted to keep my eyes closed rather than even look at messages on my phone. I know how badly I need rest.

Last night I hurried home to cook and sleep, only to find that the repairman had just started work on the washing machine in my room. I was irritated, though it may not have been his fault. Rain had made the floor muddy underfoot. When he left without fixing the machine or cleaning up, I tried to see him out politely, then looked back at the mess with a sense of helplessness. Something similar had happened only last week.

Maybe the weather is making me irritable. A colleague has been sighing all day for the past two days; at times I have wanted to punch him. I hold back, especially as he is older. Being told what to do can bring out the same anger, more so when I dislike the person giving the order. I remembered a video in which Zhang Xuefeng described turning down a teaching partnership with a teacher he respected. He said he did not want to still be working that hard at the teacher’s age. The point I take from it is that age alone does not earn my respect; character and ability do.

I may have little experience of working life, yet I trust my patience, my ability to act, and my habit of revising how I think. They make me hopeful about my future even when the present is difficult.

I had been pleased to lose ten jin over three weeks. Then I noticed that a year ago I weighed the same, perhaps even less. It stung, though it also suggests I ate well while visiting home this New Year.

I have been posting each of my fat-loss meals on WeChat Moments. Friends ask whether the food fills me up. Today someone asked whether eating like this every day makes me happy. I had not considered it from that angle. Perhaps what they meant was: why not be kinder to myself, when this diet rules out so many good foods? I need to think about that.