This Saturday

After lunch, I was walking to a café when two middle-aged people, who seemed to be a couple, came toward me and started talking. I took off my headphones and leaned in to listen. Their Henan accent was strong; if they had spoken any faster or more quietly, I would not have understood. As I heard it, they had been working in Guangzhou, their boss had gone to Shenzhen without paying them, and they had no money for food or a ride home. They asked me for some.

I agreed almost by instinct and looked around for somewhere to buy them a meal. We were in a shopping area with no cheap fast-food place in sight. Even an ordinary meal seemed likely to cost fifty or sixty yuan per person; enough food for two people doing physical work might run close to two hundred.

I was short of money myself, living on a credit card, so I hesitated to promise more. My phone was almost dead and I needed somewhere to charge it. I told them I had no cash and was buying things on credit, though I could perhaps pay their fare. The man kept asking for food money as well. I repeated that I had no cash and could not help. They stopped asking.

The woman behind him looked disappointed and helpless. The mud on their clothes made their story feel more real to me. I walked on anyway, looking back again and again. I wanted to run back and help; each time, my own situation held me back.

I was tired by the time I reached the café. I did very little, drank coffee, and let my mind go blank. Eventually I watched the anime 5 Centimeters per Second. I did not really understand the story; it passed before me almost like an advertisement.

I have been thinking that doing what frightens me can help me grow. While shopping with Ensang, I saw a shop assistant I found beautiful and told him I would ask for her WeChat. He did not believe me—my former self would not have believed it either. But I went over, told her sincerely that I thought she was beautiful, and, when she smiled, asked for her WeChat. She gave it to me.

It was a small conversation. The move from self-doubt to that kind of confidence took me five years.