Still burning

Today was my weekly weigh-in. After dinner, I stepped on the scale: stand still, straighten up, beep.

The result of a week of my fasting experiment: weight down 2.1 kg; BMI down 0.6. That is more than I expected, and about twice the loss I measured in the previous seven days. Seeing a leaner face in the mirror made me unexpectedly excited.

My friend Ensang weighed himself with me. Before my turn, he said my face looked noticeably thinner. The result was a relief: the feeling that my waist had grown smaller through the week was not just my imagination. Compared with my efforts at the start of the year, this round has taken less force, yet the result feels striking. I have not had to buy a gym membership, fight for equipment, or anxiously count every calorie as I did last time.

It is the weekend, but that makes little difference to me. At work I spend more of my effort on my boss; outside work I spend it on myself. Perhaps I have simply changed where I breathe.

I went shopping with Ensang this afternoon, after finishing my work. My family may have rubbed off on me: even on a day off, I catch myself talking and thinking about work. I cannot yet tell whether that is healthy. For now, keeping busy can feel like a way to protect myself.

Some recent personal matters distracted me. Someone else set them in motion, but I found myself carrying responsibility that did not seem mine. It drained my energy and brought other worries to mind. When I looked back at the bright night streets, the scene felt unreal, like a game or a bleak dream in which I was not strong enough. Life seemed to be putting more weight on my shoulders without asking.

I spoke with Ensang. He feels that his life is following a recognizable “script”; I do not feel that certainty and, for a moment, envied it. Am I afraid of uncertainty?

Absolutely not.

I want to fight back against life itself—tear into the old brute and make it understand that I still have the strength to put my own affairs in order and cut away what is wrong around me. My spirit has not gone cold.