Writing without a plan

My eyes are dry and tired. A proper sleep would probably help, yet I cannot make myself go to bed. Is it because I did not get a train ticket from the waitlist? Because I rested too little yesterday? Or because this New Year felt quiet and friends seem to be drifting away?

If I keep following that thought, I start to feel as if I have lost a relationship. It could be someone I was once close to romantically, or simply a good friend. When a person grows distant, I feel lonely; when a reply suddenly arrives, I feel a rush of joy. The swing leaves me anxious about what I may gain or lose.

This morning I solved yesterday’s problem and helped people in my group learn something new. I even drew some quieter members into the conversation. Helping one another learn and, perhaps, earn was why I started the group. After that I kept working for hours. With OpenClaw, an idea I had last year—one person running something like a company—suddenly felt possible to prototype. I set up AI roles inspired by Musk as a product manager, Buffett as a finance director, and Jia Yueting in product development. Asking those simulated roles about an idea helped me make it more concrete. They are prompts, of course, but the exercise made me want to build more.

I returned to a course called The Truth About Learning, changing playback speed to suit the material and noting gaps in my knowledge. I want to become a stronger learner because the things I hope to make are getting more complicated. A change in my thinking feels especially important: I now want to learn a skill so I can make something, rather than study only to finish a course or pass a test.

I have also become bolder in the past month or two. I say more honestly what I feel. If I want a hug from a friend, I may ask, even at the risk of an awkward refusal. My friend Guanxi has helped me see the value of expressing affection openly. I admire his looks, but even more his warmth and calm. His calm is a lake; I am often a rough sea. Neither is better. I value learning from each other, and he deserves a place in this diary.