The night of the third New Year day

After the last visit to relatives today, the New Year holiday feels almost over. It has not had the festive feeling I remember from the 2010s, but that matters less to me now. What I needed most was time to rest and reset. I spent it with family and old friends, reading when I had a moment. Keeping a little rhythm also makes it easier to return to work.

These days have felt dreamlike. The six days since I came home are blurry. I cannot quite tell whether I did little or quite a lot. What could I do here that I cannot do elsewhere? Spend time with family and friends, perhaps. What I cannot get during the holiday is a long, uninterrupted stretch for research or study. At home, especially at New Year, there is always something happening.

Once I saw that, I began to accept it. I will do what suits this time and let the rest go. I cannot meet every goal I set for the break. At first I wondered whether that was laziness, or whether I was using the holiday well enough. But planning and doing things over the past few years has slowly taught me to distinguish what is possible from what is not. That thought has made the days easier.

There is noise around me even as I write. My thoughts keep arriving in fragments. At first I wanted to find somewhere quiet, but there is nowhere else to go. After a while I realized this may be exactly the place to write about: the room, the noise, and what is going through my mind. I might enjoy reading that honest record one day.

With another hour gone, my return to work is closer. I feel surprisingly calm. I will be doing things whether I am away or at home. Staying an extra day would not solve what worries me. When the pull of home makes leaving hard, perhaps a firm decision now is part of addressing the larger problem over time.

That is today’s note. Good night, everyone!